When You’ve Lost Your Sense of Self: Signs, Causes, and What Can Help

There may be times when you look at your life and think, “I don’t recognise myself anymore.” Perhaps you feel as though you’ve been living on autopilot, constantly meeting the demands of work, family, or others’ expectations, but losing sight of who you really are. This feeling of being disconnected from your true self can be unsettling, and at times, overwhelming.

The good news is you don’t have to stay stuck here. Counselling can be a powerful way to begin rediscovering your sense of self. It offers a safe, supportive space to pause, reflect, and gently explore getting back in touch with who you are beyond the roles you do, the expectations you meet, and the inner critic that may dominate your thoughts. Through counselling, you can reconnect with your values, needs, and desires, and begin to rebuild confidence in your identity.

Together, we can look at what has shaped this sense of disconnection, and step by step support you in moving toward a life that feels more authentic, grounded, and fulfilling. 

What Does It Mean to Lose Your Sense of Self?

Losing your sense of self doesn’t happen overnight. Often, it’s something that develops gradually, sometimes so subtly that you don’t notice until the disconnection feels overwhelming. You might feel like you’re “going through the motions,” or like you’re living a life that doesn’t quite belong to you.

Some common signs include:

• Putting everyone else’s needs before your own, to the point where you no longer know what you want.

• Struggling to identify your creative self, passions, or sources of joy.

• Saying “yes” when you want to say “no,” and feeling drained or resentful afterward.

• A persistent sense of restlessness or emptiness, even if your life looks fine from the outside.

• Noticing that the harsh voice of your inner critic is louder than your authentic inner caring voice.

• Hearing those close to you say; ‘you aren’t the person you used to be’. 

  
  

If any of this feels familiar, you’re not alone. Many people reach a point where they realise they’ve drifted away from who they are at the core.

Why Does It Happen?

There are many reasons you might lose touch with your identity, including:

• Life transitions: Parenthood, career changes, relationship shifts, or grief can all shake up your sense of who you are.

• Trauma: Difficult experiences can disconnect you from your emotions, your body, and your authentic sense of self.

• Unmet childhood needs: If you grew up in an environment where your true self wasn’t encouraged, or you may have learned to adapt in ways that left your authentic identity and feelings hidden.

• Chronic stress and burnout: Living in survival mode makes it difficult to reflect, dream, be creative or connect with joy.

• Cultural and social pressures: Messages about who you “should” be can drown out your own voice.

  
  

Understanding these causes isn’t about attributing blame - it’s about awareness. When you begin to see how and why this has happened, it becomes possible to take positive, inspiring and encouraging steps toward change.

Steps to Reconnect With Your Sense of Self

Working with a counsellor will support you with a guided pathway through this process.  There are also practical steps you can begin exploring on your own too. Think of these as gentle entranceways back to finding and being yourself.

1. Pause and Reflect

Life often moves at a relentless pace. Taking intentional time to pause is the first step in reconnecting. Journaling can be especially powerful here. Ask yourself:

• What do I need right now?

• When do I feel most like myself?

• What small moments have brought me peace or joy recently?

  
  

Even 10 minutes of reflection a day can help you begin noticing what’s truly going on beneath the surface.

2. Reconnect With Creativity and Joy

When you’ve lost touch with yourself, creativity and joy can feel like a distant memory. Start small and pick up an activity you once loved, or experiment with something new. It could be listening to music, sketching, gardening, or walking in nature. The activity itself matters less than how it makes you feel. Notice what lights something inside you, however faintly.

3. Strengthen Your Boundaries

Many people lose themselves because they’ve learned to prioritise others’ needs at the expense of their own. Boundaries are a way of honouring yourself. Try practicing saying “no” when you mean no, and notice the relief that comes with it. At first, this might feel uncomfortable as others get used to your new stance, but over time, boundaries create space for you to breathe, rest, and reconnect with what matters most.

4. Seek Safe Connection

Rediscovering your sense of self isn’t something you have to do alone. Talking with a trusted friend, joining a supportive group, or working with a counsellor can help you reflect on who you are and what you want. In counselling, we explore both the parts of you that feel hidden and the strengths that are waiting to be remembered. Safe connection provides a mirror, helping you to see yourself more clearly.

5. Practice Self-Compassion

When you’ve lost your sense of self, the inner critic often grows louder. You may find yourself saying, “Why can’t I just get it together?” Self-compassion is the antidote. Instead of criticising yourself, practice speaking as you would to a close friend: with kindness, patience, and understanding. This shift can feel small, but it is deeply powerful in softening the harshness and critic you may have internalised.

6. Ground Yourself in the Present

Feeling disconnected often comes with a sense of being “up in your head,” overthinking and analysing. Practices that bring you back into your body can help. Try mindful breathing, gentle movement, or simply walking outside and noticing the sights and sounds around you. These grounding practices can restore a sense of balance and presence.

How Counselling Supports This Journey

All of these steps are valuable, but counselling weaves them together in a way that is tailored to you. Together, we can explore:

• The beliefs and patterns that may have distanced you from yourself.

• The roles and expectations that have shaped how you now see yourself.

• New ways of responding to your inner critic and permissions to be the authentic you.

• Practical tools to help you rebuild confidence and identity.

• How creativity can be a catalyst for self-expression and exploration.

  
  

Most importantly, counselling provides a safe, non-judgemental space to be heard and seen for who you truly are that sometimes is for the very first time or the first time in a long time. 

A Gentle Reminder

Losing your sense of self is not a permanent state. It’s a sign that you’ve been carrying a lot, and that now is the time to turn inward and reconnect. With the right support, you can rediscover your values, your creativity, your passions, and your voice.

If you’re in or around Cambridge, New Zealand, or would prefer the convenience of online sessions - I’d be honoured to walk alongside you as you begin this journey back to yourself.

You don’t have to do this alone. Reach out today to arrange a free 15 minute initial conversation contact me here or mandy@mandylacy.nz